5 ways to stay in love

It is no secret that I love my wife very much. She is my best friend. We have chosen to allow this marriage to be built on biblical principals.  It isn't always easy, but it is well worth it. 

Here are 5 very practical things we have done throughout our relationship to choose to love:

//10 reasons I fell in love with you: one of the first fights we ever had as a married couple, we went to our separate corners. I knew she was too mad to talk so I just went in and asked her to write down 10 reasons she fell in love with me, then whenever she was ready, come and talk to me. When she came in, she was still very visibly mad but she did it. I said, I will read my list of 10 reasons I fell in love with you first. As I read, I could see her body language changing. When I finished, it was her turn and it took the focus off whatever we were arguing about and put the focus on our love. We then calmly talked about what we disagreed on and made up. 

//Filter your actions thru biblical love: one time during a disagreement, I was reading the bible. I was looking for reasons to strengthen my stance on how right I was but what happened was I different, I felt very convicted. I read 1 Cor 13 (commonly referred to as "the love chapter"). I then filtered the way we were treating each other thru the Bible's definition of love. I went to my wife and started working thru the biblical definition of love: patient, kind, does not keep score... (you'll have to read the rest for yourself) and apologized for the way I was acting. I said, love is patient and I was not very patient with you, love is kind and I was not very kind to you & went thru the entire list. She then accepted her part of the argument and we calmly made our way to a loving solution. 

//I Love you because: sometimes we will just lay together and take turns saying "I love you because..." then we fill in the blank and it feels great. 

//I feel loved when: we will also tell each other "I feel loved when..." and point out when we feel loved by the other one. This is great because it reinforces the positive things and of course we want repeat what is rewarded. 

//Heart talk: one of the best things we have done for our relationship is learn how to communicate very tough topics in a calm and loving way. This one is extremely hard but well worth learning how to do it. We don't always do it as well as we want to but that is when we allow the emotions to get in front of the love. When you hear the heart instead of the anger, it is much easier to talk calmly and work to a loving solution.  

My point: of course we disagree at times, but we choose to work thru those times. We don't let feelings stay internal and grow into bitterness. We have a choice to grow in our love. If we say we "Love", do we back it up with our actions. 

If someone asked your spouse: do you feel loved - what would their response be? What are you doing to make your spouse feel loved... 

Before you ask, NO - I am not kissing up for something I did to make her mad... This is just another way to show her how much I love her. 

junk update

Here is the latest on the junkless June challenge.

We have about $95 in the junkpot. We had one person pay the "quitter" fine and a few have paid the penalty so they could enjoy a dessert. 

I appreciate those of you who are acting with the utmost integrity. There are few people who have not turned any penalties yet. I am not challenging the honesty of those people at all. I do want to make sure everyone understands what is considered cheating. Here are a few examples of some penalties:

//A sugar-free mint was considered cheating because the bag said "hard candy" - candy is on the list. Not all mints are candy - you need to look at the bag and be honest.

//a hash round from McDonalds - they are fried

//chicken parmesan - the chicken patty was fried

//a fruit popsicle - dessert / sweets

//a jolly rancher - candy

//tasted coffee - coffee is on the list

//licking peanut butter off your fingers after making a PB&J - peanut butter is on the list

//drink pop (even diet) on June 1st when it is clearly on the list - claiming "I didn't see the list yet... TOO BAD, It was posted and it is your responsibility to read it. 

These are just a few. There are many more. Even if you "didn't mean" to cheat - you need to have the integrity to admit it, report it and pay your penalty. You may try to justify not paying it because you forgot or didn't mean to or it was an accident - TOUGH!!! Your integrity is on the line. Other people are being honest and you need to also.

My point: If you are being totally honest, thank you. If you are cheating and not reporting it, you have some serious issues. If you said you were going to do the challenge then you cheated and decided you would quit instead of tough it out, and now are saying the lamest of all excuses "well, I didn't sign the paper"... I got one word for you - WHATEVER, YOU SISSY PUNK LOSER!!! 

If you said you were gonna do it, finish it. Be a person of integrity. I don't know how you can sleep at night if you are cheating and not owning up to it. You are only cheating yourself. 

Don't be a liar liar, we know what happens to your pants...

keys

Today we talked about how as fathers, we hold the keys to our children's doors. Those doors can be good or bad. We have to have the wisdom to unlock the good ones and lock the bad ones. 

The relationship with the father is one of the most important relationships we can have on this earth. The view we have of our father leads us to make many decisions in our futures. 

The older I get, the more I appreciate the way my dad raised me. He kicked my butt when I was wrong and encouraged me when I did good. He praised progress and didn't ask for perfection. He let me know that I am responsible for my own decisions and my actions have consequences. 

Some of the doors my dad unlocked for me are: integrity, hard work, sacrifice, gratitude and honesty...  I will always hear him say "do it right the first time and you won't have to go back and do it again", "take a little more time and do it right", "if you say you're gonna do it, do it!" - just to name a few. 

He unlocked those doors by going thru them himself. It is one thing to say to do things but I got the honor of seeing them lived out. I saw him get up before the crack of dawn and work hard so I could have stuff I probably didn't even appreciate. 

My point: you are unlocking and locking doors for your kids. You need to be intentional about it. I can only hope and pray that when my girls reflect on the way they were raised, they will be half as appreciative as I am with my dad. 

I love you dad, Happy fathers day. 

3/4

Well another year has passed in the life of my oldest daughter Shayna. She turns 12 today. She is absolutely beautiful both inside & out. 

Birthdays cause you to reflect on memories. Many years ago, we visited one of Shayna's friends who had a mother battling Lou Gehrig's disease. She couldn't communicate verbally at all.  My heart broke for her because I thought - how can I tell my kids & spouse how much I love them if I can't speak. 

On that day Shayna and I decided that we would figure out a way to say "I LOVE YOU" without having to use words. We decided that one would do something 3 times and the other would respond back with 4. We figured "I LOVE YOU" is 3 words and "I LOVE YOU TOO" is 4 words so it just made sense. 

So if ever there was a time I couldn't speak, I could blink 3 times and she would know I was saying I LOVE YOU. I tested this from the time she was just a little girl. She would be on my lap watching TV and I would squeeze her leg or hand 3 times and without thinking she would squeeze back 4 times. I was amazed at how quick she caught on at such an early age. 

Even now, when I text her I will either end with the words I LOVE YOU or I will put "1.2.3." and she will respond with "4". If we are going somewhere and can only see each other but not hear - I will hold up 3 fingers and she will hold up 4. 

I am so glad I have a nonverbal way to communicate. If for whatever reason I couldn't tell my family I love them, it would be horrible. This way - anything in 3's or 4's - we know what is being said. 

My point: We need to be intentional about making great memories to look back on. Have something special for the people you love. Be intentional with what you say and how you say it. 

Happy birthday Shayna 1.2.3...

are -vs- want to

I think I am going to change the question "how are you doing?" to "how do you want to be doing?". That may change the way people answer. 

Today, I overheard a person casually ask someone "how are you doing this morning" only to hear the person respond "I am so tired, I didn't get to bed until after 11". I thought - oh poor baby, did you not get your 12 hours of uninterrupted sleep!!! 

Why do people feel the need to tell people how bad things are. Is there nothing good you can say? Wow, that must be awful. 

Then there are people who will make it sound like it is the biggest deal to do the smallest little thing. They go into all the things that they will have to do or how much of a pain it's gonna be to help. 

If you can't do it, say no. If you can but it's gonna take some rearranging or changing plans - do it without complaining. I would rather hear you say "NO" instead of all the awful things you have to go thru to say "yes"... 

My point: Unfortunately when people say "how are you", most of the time they are just being nice. The next time someone asks you that question, give them a big smile and do your best to respond in a positive way. Watch their reaction, they will be surprised that you are different, because most people answer negative. 

If I ask, I really do care how people are doing but there are those people who you just know are going to be negative no matter what - so I stop asking those people that question and I will begin asking "how do you want to be doing?", if the response to that is negative - you got issues! 

junk update

1 down - 3 to go

We are one week into junkless June. After many questions of clarification and reports of some serious headaches from withdrawals - it appears that things are settling nicely.  

I am hearing some people say that they need the accountability to get off certain items, others are appreciating the need to think before they eat while some people could make drinking a glass of water difficult... nonetheless, we are one week down with three to go.

Only one person so far has admitted to wanting to pay the penalty to throw in the towel so they can enjoy the things they gave up. While I would hate to see that, it would add more money to the junk pot. 

Please let me know if you have cheated at all. So far I have been very impressed with the integrity of the penalties. While most of them were accidents, there are some reports of it just being easier to pay the fine and enjoy the item. As long as they follow the guidelines, admit they cheated and pay the fines - cheat all you want.

So far there is $60 in the junkpot. There are still a lot of people that either didn't cheat or just didn't admit it yet...

My point: I think people are finally understanding the heart behind the original idea of junkless June. It is not to find substitutes it is to break yourself from the craving or desire to even want that item. 

I am very surprised that I am not craving sweets... go figure

why X

Why are things you shouldn't look at rated "X"? Here are some alternative ratings that may work better:

"Y" / Y are you looking at this garbage. Y are you choosing to make bad choices.

"W" / What the heck are you doing. What do you hope to accomplish by staring at this junk. What are you doing in private while looking at it.

"N" / Nothing good can come from this.

"U" / U need self control. 

"I" / I chose to look at this. I choose to keep looking at this. I am choosing not to get help. 

I guess "X" is assigned for a reason, I just don't know it. Then you have those things rated "XXX". Wow, what must be going on in that sick world to get three letters. I think the three letters should be IAM - Which would stand for I AM so ashamed of myself. I AM in so deep but I tell myself I can stop at any time. 

These are just a few right off the top of my head. Feel free to add your own. 

My point: You can call it what you want but it is what it is. You can rate it or just call it an addiction. I hear pornography addiction is the hardest addiction to break free from. I can't imagine how lonely it must be to live that lie. 

I am not judging, I just don't understand how someone even gets caught up in it but then chooses to stay in it... I applaud anyone who breaks this addiction. You are awesome!

There are some great websites out there if you need help or know someone who does

www.xxxchurch.com (seriously it is one)