love conflict?

I have never been one to run from conflict. I guess I see it as a necessary part of life and leadership. 

Someone asked me why I "love conflict". That got me thinking. Do I really love conflict. Do I create conflict just because I love it...

After much thought and prayer, I have concluded that I don't love conflict. In fact, I don't even like it. I have found that dealing with conflict is the only way to peace. As long as we are alive, conflict will be present. It doesn't have to be bad all the time. 

I don't love conflict, I love peace. If conflict is not dealt with quickly and directly, it can get out of control and lead to awkward environments or even bitter, unforgiving feelings. 

If there is a conflict, there are feelings attached to it. If those feelings aren't talked through and worked out, relationships can be destroyed. I hate to see this happen. Especially when the conflict is usually the result of miscommunication or something being taken the wrong way. 

I say, give the person the benefit of the doubt. Go directly to them and talk it through. If the person chooses not to hear what you are saying, listen to them first. Sometimes you have to earn the right to be heard. Just because you have something to say, doesn't mean someone has to listen. If it can't be worked out (which is because one or both people CHOOSE to keep it going), handle it in a way that you will be proud of 5 years from now. If you were to retell the story, how do you want to be remembered for your part?

My point: decide if the relationship is really worth ending over something that is probably going to be forgotten in a day, week or month. Give the benefit of the doubt. Let the goal be peace, not getting your point across or proving you are right. Do you want to have great relationships or do you always want to be right?

Isn't it funny how we can be mad at someone for so long that we forget why. 

Hate conflict - love peace

if you can't say something nice...

I am sure you have all heard "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all". After hearing that statement, if you have you ever wondered - "then what would I say?!" - then you have a problem.

I used to share that problem with you but I have decided to focus on the word "can't". I never want to admit that there is anything "I can't" do. I used to be the person that would tear other people down in an attempt to make myself look good (I am sure it was a subconscious insecurity issue). Then I realized how bad it was hurting people and decided to find something nice to say. I am sure there is SOMETHING positive about EVERYONE.

My point: It is easy to comment on the negative, anyone can do that, but it may take a little work (or a lot of work if the person is a numb skull - you like that word?) to find the good in others. If you can't say something nice - shut up because you are an insecure jerk who people hate being around - they are just humoring you.

Don't even try saying "it's not negative, it's true" - that is lame and you have some serious insecurity issues.

Have a happy day!

cheers

I think the sitcom "cheers" had it right. Sometimes we really do want to go where everybody knows your name.

Actually sometimes we would settle for anyone knowing our name. In this fast paced world we live in (actually we create it), it seems like life is a lot more impersonal. Everyone keeps to themselves and it comes off rude and un-caring.

The other day, I went into the gym (I even have a callous to prove I am working out), the guy at the counter said "good morning Gary". I thought wow, this guy has a good memory. Then I wondered if he was somewhat of a fruit. After I got rid of that negative thought, I realized that this guy was being personal and it was a nice touch (no, he didn't physically touch me).

Later the same day, I went and got a haircut. This girl cut my hair before but it has been a few months. Each time I go, it seems like a different girl cuts it. When I sat down, she asked are we still cutting it short in front and keeping it long in the back (can you say mullet? - I am totally kidding). She described it perfectly. I thought, so what, she remembers my haircut style. Then she asked how the church was going and went on to talk about details I told her about last time she cut my hair. Once again I was impressed (it didn't make me tip her more).

C3 tries to be a personal church where we call everyone by first name. We are constantly getting new people so we keep it personal by asking everyone to wear a name tag. It might be cheating but somehow it just feels good to call someone and be called by first name. They don't know if you would've remembered it or not...

My point: do your best to have personal relationships with people. When people talk to you, try to remember something / anything about that conversation and bring it up the next time you talk. It makes them feel really good and you come off like you care (even if you don't).

Make it personal because "making your way in the world today takes everything you got. Taking a break from all your worries sure would help a lot. Wouldn't you like to get away. Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name....? (have fun getting that song out of your head!!!)

he said "yes" (or did he?)

The art of answering questions. Learn it and life will be a lot easier not to mention more fun. I love listening to people communicate. It tells me a lot about them. Can that person get you to stop something without using force, can they get you to see things their way or can they tell you "no" and make you feel good about it? Those are communication skills. You are giving them something instead of taking something.

I learned not to take something from my 2 year old without giving her something to replace it. In other words when she is playing with steak knives, I give her butter knives or forks because the steak knives are too sharp. Get it?

When you need to tell someone "no", it is an art to get the other person to think you are doing them a favor by telling them "no". Or better yet, you word it in a way to make them feel like they got exactly what they were asking for. How do you do this... by saying "yes if" or "yes but".

So let's try it. Question: "Hey dad, can I borrow the car tonight?" response: "you sure can son, if I die in my sleep!" See how that works. Question: "hey Mom, can I borrow $50?" response: "yes if you milk the monkeys first". You are giving a "conditional yes". Fun huh...

My point: communication is our best friend. Learn to communicate effectively and you can have a lot of fun in life. Find some great communicators and learn from them.

Isn't a "conditional yes" the same thing as a "no"? Well, yes if you want to look at it that way.