Megan

4 years ago today, I had the amazing opportunity to witness the birth of a beautiful baby girl. Deni and I welcomed Megan Renae to this world and our lives will forever be changed. 

Megan lived only 4 days but the lessons I have learned and continue to learn will stay with me for the rest of my life. Every year I allow myself this day to mourn. Normally when I think about Megan, I choose to focus on the good things about those 4 days. 

I know that little girl lived her entire life (although short) knowing nothing but LOVE. Somehow there is comfort in that. I don't suppress my feelings, I just choose to focus on the blessings that Megan brought. 

Then every Nov 8th, I will watch a video that we made of her short time on this earth. I watch my family hold her not knowing if she would die in their arms. I look at the pain on their faces because they will not see her again until we meet in Heaven. I see how different we all looked 4 years ago. I also notice how much pain there still is when I watch it. 

One of the coolest things I have learned is that the pain is so great because the love is so deep. If we don't care, we don't hurt. Whenever I talk to people that have suffered loss, I remind them that they are hurting so bad because they loved so much. That can't be a bad thing. 

My point: I don't EVER want the pain to be gone. I choose to allow that grief and pain serve as a reminder that I LOVE MEGAN SO MUCH!!!

If you have suffered a loss, I am sorry. Don't minimize the pain or act like it isn't hard. Choose to embrace the pain as a reminder of the depth of love you have for the one you lost.  

This is my favorite picture of my precious baby girl. She is so comfortable in Mommy's arms. She will have to be comforted in the arms of Jesus until we can hold her again. 

"I love you little girl"

Megan's window

I am going to pause from my marathon lessons to pay respect to my baby girl.

Megan Renae was born on Nov 8th 2004 and died Nov 12th 2004. Here is a picture of her in her favorite place, her mommy's arms.

Megan was a miracle. We were told that if she were born alive, she would not live longer than a couple hours. Along with other birth defects, she had a very serious heart defect. When Megan was born we found out that she had a lot more wrong than they originally even thought. She was a miracle because she ended up living 4 days.

The doctors told us that we needed to get our family members in and out - say hello and goodbye. I can't even begin to tell you how hard this was. I wish I could've taken all the pain instead of watching them in pain. After our families were gone, Deni and I locked ourselves in a room with Megan. Her heart nearly quit several but she just wasn't ready to go. I guess she wanted to stick around with mommy and daddy for a while longer.

I remember taking her over to the window everyday and telling her about what I see. I would tell her about all the things going on outside. It was our special trip from the bed all the way over to the window (about 6 ft.) We had big plans for the next day, we were going to take a walk down the hall and see the fish tank. Unfortunately we never made that trip.

We had all kinds of names picked out when we found out it was a baby girl. We decided on Megan because it meant "strong and able". Megan was definitely strong and able.

I remember holding my baby girl and telling her that "you are broke and daddy can't fix you". Talk about feeling helpless.

My point: sometimes life flat out stinks. I choose to celebrate my daughters life and allow it to make me a better person. I am a better human being because of Megan Renae.

"I love you little girl"